Global Warming: Nothing Matters Anymore

Once people figure out the score,

Who knows what horror’s in store?

But which way we descend,

We will find the same end;

Nothing really matters anymore.

Long-term Survival Retreat

An elite retreat would be neat,

Where you won’t become obsolete

If you like the sensation

Of nuke radiation,

And tolerate really high heat.

Dow’s Up, All’s Right with the World

Mammon, our God, shall bestow

A status quo chock full of dough;

How do I know?

From the stock market show:

The Dow-Bible tells me so.

How to Assess Predictions

Attention, doomer alert!

If you see an attempt to assert

Any future news

Which ignores collapse views:

It’s useless, and will only divert.

It’s No Lie—Methane

It’s been running around in my brain,

Who knows? Maybe I’ll go insane;

Would you like to know why?

Cause it’s coming, no lie,

It’s no lie, it’s no lie—methane.

Bad news as we swirl down the drain:

Our thing will be gone, leaving pain;

Lethal methane is nigh,

Big supply, it’s no lie,

It’s no lie, it’s no lie—methane.

There’s no way that we can detain

Disaster, the experts explain;

Instead of a high,

We will die, it’s no lie,

It’s no lie, it’s no lie—methane.

Black Friday

Required for pre-Christmas runs:

A weapon that does more than stuns;

When you go shopping,

Duck if there's popping,

‘Cause next time they’re carrying guns.

Happy Thanksgiving

A doomer might seem a bit quirky

To come on with wishes so perky,

But be of good cheer

While the good times are here,

And enjoy your Thanksgiving turkey.

Another Mars Rover

Hooray! We’re going to Mars,

If there’s methane, we’ll hand out cigars—

But discreetly ignore

What we should explore

Here on earth, not out in the stars.

Methane Is Bubbling

Here comes the methane: it’s troubling,

Your woes are, at minimum, doubling;

It will chomp on your brain,

And make you insane,

Bubbling, bubbling, bubbling....

Job Creators

They say they’re the job creators,

Worth much more than, let’s say, waiters;

If that is their claim,

Then they’re also to blame

Now, as the economy craters.

Acceptance, Not Resignation

A progress evaluation

Might reflect some good adaptation;

In making a link,

I’d much rather think

It’s acceptance, and not resignation.

The Tale of the St. Matthew Deer

Listen my children, and hear

How their island became their bier,

Take a seat, lend an ear,

You might shed a tear

At the tale of the St. Matthew deer.

Overshoot, when it came near,

Made their privation severe;

Through conditions austere,

It made disappear

The whole herd of St. Matthew deer.

They never will reappear;

Even if they did persevere,

Some nuclear sear

Plus a Venus-like sphere

Means no more St. Matthew deer.

Doubter, hold back your sneer,

‘Cause we’re right at that same frontier,

And it’s all very clear:

There goes our career,

The way of the St. Matthew deer.

We’ve Triggered a Doomsday Machine

Breakdown in upkeep routine

From grid failure wasn’t foreseen;

We wont’t stop emission

From nuclear fission—

We’ve triggered a Doomsday Machine.

Keeping Plans Secret

In the battle to stand as last man,

It’s awkward to admit that your plan

Is designed to derive

What you need to survive

By stealing whatever you can.

Coping Mechanism

When I hit an emotional patch

For which I know I’m no match,

I make things abstract

To not overreact;

My solution is to detach.

Last Minute Plans

When doom hits, one place I won’t be

Is on a last-minute shopping spree,

With the fights and confusion—

I’ll be in seclusion,

Eating popcorn and watching TV.

Peak Psychological Adaptation

Our minds have a tribal foundation,
Evolved in that unique situation;

We could think of those days 

As a peak with the phrase

Peak Psychological Adaptation.

Oops! I’ve Forgotten the Third

When the end comes, so I have heard,

The instructions are three, word for word:

Bend over, get near;

Pucker up by your rear;

And...oops! I’ve forgotten the third.

Morality

Morals are consensus trance tools

For socialization schools,

But we’ll learn Jungle Law,

Red in tooth and in claw,

Doesn’t honor our ethical rules.

Understanding Global Warming

Understanding what is our lot—

Like how it will get way too hot—

Is, as Upton once said,

Hard to get through your head

When your salary depends on your not.

Hooray for Fracking

Hooray! Lets all go a-fracking,

Ignore the shaking and cracking;

Hooray for the drilling—

Who cares what we’re spilling?

Hooray for the lifestyle they’re backing.

Politicians Changing Positions

When somebody doesn’t leave clues

To explain an about-face in views,

Perhaps they were swayed

By someone who made

An offer they couldn’t refuse.

Extinction of Intelligent Life

Sixth Extinction means human demise,

‘Cause the earth will run out of supplies;

Although we will dissolve,

Something new might evolve—

Complex life might again yet arise.

If not here on earth, then extending

Our viewpoint, some life form’s ascending—

Some self-aware race

Somewhere out there in space—

If the cosmos is never-ending.

Surely some sentient wit

Will survive to avoid an obit;

The whole universe

Can’t become one big hearse—

If it does, oh well, then that’s it.

Buying in Bulk

Shopping here in your store,

Is mostly a tiresome chore;

Let’s maintain rapport:

Don’t ask what it’s for,

Or I might not come back anymore.

Don’t give any thought my style,

And when I check out, simply smile;

Since I found this big pile

In your product aisle,

I won’t be back for awhile.

Power Outages

Without the electric they’re screwed,

Enough to give them a tude;

Imagine their mood

When they run out of food—

It’s going to get ugly, dude.

Stressed Out

When prepping still leaves me in doubt,

I think, as a doomer devout:

Once poo on fan splatters,

Then nothing much matters

(No wonder I’m getting stressed out).

Cyber Retreat

When you find that you’re feeling downbeat

And you see no results but defeat,

And there’s no one to greet

In the people you meet,

Then welcome to Cyber Retreat.

When you’re watching resources deplete

In steps both large and petite,

And from global heat

We’ll become obsolete,

Come on by Cyber Retreat.

Of course, there’ll be nothing to eat,

And we’re only walking dead meat,

But pull up a seat,

The price can’t be beat—

You’re welcome at Cyber Retreat.

Dylan on Doom

The times they are changing anew,

Shelter from the storm’s not in view;

Everything’s broken or rare,

And you’re going nowhere:

It’s all over now, baby blue.

Aging Doomer

Old age and doom woes kind of chime,

So it’s good if you’re well past your prime:

It’s energy efficient

So you’re more proficient

When you deal with both at the same time.

Healing

The honest physician strives

To improve other people’s lives,

Yet noble devotion

Finds no healing potion

When the final appointment arrives.

So the healer in us tries to stall

The judgment that’s writ on the wall,

But we merely reshape

What we cannot escape:

The sentence awaiting us all.