Doomer Humor

We've suffered a pretty hard climb

Since humans first crawled from the slime,

But it’s already clear,

That we’ll only be here

For a limited period of time.

               *          *          *

Much depends on your own point of view:

When oil’s gone, doom hits in Baku,

Misery hurts Timbuktu,

And Kalamazoo,

But it’s lots worse when doom comes to you.

               *          *          *

Nervous Nellies are silly with fears:

Every new poison leaves them in tears;

So what if they spray,

It will all wash away

In a couple of million years.

               *          *          *

The absence of vittles to glean

Will ration our daily cuisine;

When food chains collapse,

There won’t even be scraps—

Unless you count Soylent Green.

               *          *          *

Species, they come and they go,

As the universe molecules flow;

Soon our planet will burn,

So we’ll finish our turn

Coming down off the oil plateau. D’oh! 

               *          *          *

Folks who talk doom quite a lot

Stay sane while they study fate’s plot;

To make it apparent

That you’re not aberrant,

Try talking with folks who do not.

               *          *          *

When the earth gets less biodiverse,

Extinction might not be a curse;

One thing’s for sure:

Since we don’t have a cure,

The future is going to be worse. 

               *          *          *

Our science, once fuel’s withdrawn,
Revisits its primitive dawn;
If you’re bent on knowing
Where science is going,
That’s easy: It’s going to be gone.

               *          *          *

As we head back to Stone Age and jungle,
Survival is something we’ll bungle;
Evolution’s new picks
After Extinction Six
Might not show much life higher than fungal. 

               *          *          *

To us, it seems like a curse,

That everyday life will get worse;
While to us that’s extreme,
In the overall scheme,
Ain’t no thing to the whole universe.

               *          *          *

We’re kicking the can down the road
While watching our morals erode;
We’re waiting to see
How long it will be
Before we’re swirled down the commode.

               *          *          *

If we’re tapping our SPR

Perhaps the end isn’t too far;
My anxiety’s higher
If things are that dire,
But it’s cool, ‘cause I top off my car.

               *          *          *

We’re already starting to greet

The beginning of more and more heat;
When the world gets too warm,
We’ll start to transform
From flesh to lightly cooked meat.

               *          *          *

We read about doom on the ‘net
In hopes we can cheat fate’s roulette;
If that doesn’t work,
We won’t go berserk
‘Cause prepared, we’ll become less upset.

               *          *          *

In another year of detour,
With the fan mostly clear of manure,
We’ll still be here pitching,
A-whining and bitching
That doom will hit next year for sure.

               *          *          *

Executives often use graphing
To find where to cut down on staffing;
When it happens, don’t fume,
Read some limericks of doom:
You’ll be dead, but at least you’ll die laughing.

               *          *          *

It seems we evolved to compete—
Including the shrewdness to cheat;
It’s just rinse and repeat,
But if you think you’re sweet,
Take your socks off and smell your feet.

               *          *          *

He jumped off from floor forty-four,
The wind in his ears made a roar;
“That Peak Oiler lore
Is all crap,” so he swore,
As he sailed past the twentieth floor.

               *          *          *

So bookstores no longer succeed
Distributing great work and screed;
You might think that’s sad,
But let me just add:
Soon no one will know how to read.

               *          *          *

To adapt, if you wish to compete
In conditions we’re shortly to meet:
It will help you a lot
If you like weather hot
And can learn to need nothing to eat.

               *          *          *

A normal consenting adult

Fell in with a crazy doom cult;
Obsession with oil
And when habitats broil
Was an unexpected result.

               *          *          *

We think that since we’re in the know,
We won’t end like those saying, “D’oh!”
But when oil stops its flow,
The fast drop from plateau
Won’t leave time to say, “Tol’ ja so!”

               *          *          *

In the course of becoming awake,
My mental preps gave me a break:
Relaxed and unhurried,
I’m now much less worried
‘Cause the endings’s baked into the cake.

               *          *          *

I don’t want to read in the paper
Of a nearby atomic bomb caper;
I ain’t no hero,
Put me at ground zero:
In a flash, I’ll be turned into vapor.

               *          *          *

Since the first a-bomb, years have gone by,
Yet one rule seems to always apply:
When the bombs start to glow,
Bend over real low,
And kiss your sweet ass goodbye. 

               *          *          *

A one-size-fits-all prep to try
Is keeping loose-jointed and spry;
Then when life gets too rough,
You’re limber enough
To kiss your sweet ass goodbye.